the emptiness of my heart
i’d like you to take a look into my heart
jette un oeil dans mon coeur
et tu y verras que
and you’ll see that
I’m lost
je suis perdu
dans un monde obscur
in a dark dark world
He arrived on a cold night, the sky was filled with pretty stars he used to frequent quite often. They looked so far from him, now. As soon as he touched the sand from the tip of his toes, he smiled candidly at the weird feeling under the sole of his feet. He felt so foreign and so comfortable, letting himself getting sucked by the novelty of the sensation.
He discovered the world. It was odd, the details. Like the fact that they had to exchange shiny little things to get food instead of hunting for it and ripping its heart away to get the juice out of it, that they had to open a tap to get water, that they kissed each other to tell how much they loved. He never knew what was love, but he was still slowly getting there.
Sometimes, he felt lost and lonely, misunderstood when he broke a window to get the same clothes than the girl sitting on a bench across the street. When people started screaming at him, he panicked and ran away. He wasn’t sure if he should be running away, but most probably it was something he wasn’t supposed to do.
He had picked up some clothes he found in a dumpster when he first arrived, but felt like he wanted to fit in, and wanted the same outfit than that girl. It looked good on her, so why not on him too?
Other times, he felt like it was the world which was discovering him. Once, he met a poor man who had no money, no food or no home but who agreed to share a piece of whatever he had with him. The man asked him, “well, what’s your story kid?” so he told him he came here on a cold, starry night in the middle of a desert. The man laughed so hard he asked again, “where do you come from?” He wasn’t sure why the poor man was laughing at him to be honest, but he pointed at the sky and said sincerely:
“this is where i come from, can you see the stars? i came from here.”
Disbelief was obviously painted on the old man’s features, and he couldn’t understand why it was so difficult to believe him. Then, the old man revealed something to him, “you know, it’s usually where we go when we die.”
So he wondered, was he back from the dead? The old man rambled about souls but he was already lost. “Do you have a name, by the way?”
He frowned, utterly confused. “A name?”
“There are too many of us on this Earth! We gotta have a name for each of us, a title for every thing, here. If you don’t have one, how about Elliot?”
“Why this one?”
“It was my son’s before he died. You’ll be Elliot from space.”
Elliot était exténué, il avait l’impression que le sommeil ne réparait pas les maladies qu’il accumulait de jour en jour. Ses maladies, elle étaient invisibles mais multiples, elle venaient et s’en allaient comme bon leur semblait. En fait, sa dernière dispute avec son père l’avait rendu malade, il avait l’impression que son coeur allait lâcher, sa tête exploser et ses mains se fondre sous la colère. Son père n’avait jamais accepté Fred, n’avait jamais accepté son entêtement à vouloir continuer à peindre alors que le monde autour d’eux s’écroulait. Mais Elliot, lui, était déterminé à vivre la vie qu’il voulait jusqu’à la fin.
Elliot was tired, he felt like no sleep would heal him from the sickness that expanded more and more, day after day. His illnesses were invisible but numerous, they came and went as they liked. In fact, his last argument with his father made him physically sick. He thought his heart was dropping low in his chest, that his head would explode and his hands melt under his anger. His father never approved of Fred, never approved his lifestyle and his stubborness to paint while the world was crumbling all around them. Elliot, though, was determined to live the life he wanted to live until the end of it.
Il avait trois jours de route le long de la côte pour rejoindre sa ville, la route paraissait idyllique… mais il n’avait pas la tête à apprécier les bords de mer. Il pensait plutôt à retourner au confort de sa maison dès que possible… mais la nuit, ses phares ont commencé à clignoter dangereusement et la fatigue avait fini par gagner son corps, puis ses mouvements n’ont plus contrôlé son véhicule qui s’était crashé contre les glissières de sécurité qui suivaient l’autoroute.
He had three long days on the road along the coast from his hometown to the city where he lived now, the road looked idyllic… but he couldn’t wrap his head around it, he couldn’t appreciate the beauty of the seaside. He was rather thinking of the comfort of his home he’d like to reach as soon as possible… but at night, the front lights of his car started to blink dangerously and the drowsiness took over his body which, then, started to move by itself, losing control of his vehicle. The car crashed against the guardrails.
Elliot ne se rappelle plus comment il est mort, il a juste perdu connaissance alors que sa voiture dérivait jusqu’à tomber dans le précipice.
Elliot doesn’t remember how he died exactly, he just lost consciousness while his car drifted from the road towards the ravine of the coast.
Il n’a pas vu son âme le quitter et monter aux cieux, à travers les nuages gris et gorgés de pluie. Il a plu tout le jour, et toute la nuit après sa disparition.
He didn’t see his soul leaving his body and ascend to the skies, through the grey, rain-filled clouds. It rained all day, all night after he disappeared.
When Elliot met Elliot, he was utterly surprised his father had replaced him with a stranger, a foreigner. Elliot couldn’t see Elliot, but Elliot knew he could feel his presence because, he, too, came from the stars.
Elliot wanted to talk to his father so he whispered into Elliot’s ear some words only he would know.
“Tell him that I still can taste the last pie he made me, that I don’t blame him for my death. I was reckless. It was an accident. I still love him. Tell him that, Elliot.”
So Elliot told the old man about the secret words he had been hearing like a quiet gust of wind.
When the old man started bawling his eyes out, Elliot and Elliot cried and laughed. Because that was relief.
Relief.
Elliot from space learnt a lot from the old man and the other Elliot (the ghost), they told him how to behave, how to dress, how to talk properly. The old man wasn’t sure how this Elliot could talk his language when he came from space, and Elliot told him he learnt very fast. And he did. Elliot almost sounded and dressed like the original Elliot. They both learnt that the poor man chose not to live in a home, he lived outsides, under bridges or tucked inside the warm corners of the cruel streets. It felt more comfortable to be in a home, both Elliots told him. But the old man just shrugged away their curiosity.
Ghost Elliot asked a million questions to Space Elliot who communicated them to the old man but he always refused to address them. He kept saying, life just slipped between my fingers, I ended up alone, miserable and unable to carry on, so I quit everything until death. That upset the two Elliots. Space Elliot asked if he still had a home, and the old man nodded.
In the abandoned home that used to be the family home, Elliot from space learnt the man was called Erik and had a beautiful family before the tragedy knocked on their door. Erik and his ex-wife, Eileen, used to have money and big careers, they had a beautiful son that they lost. Eileen couldn’t stand the sight of his husband that reminded her of the loss of her beautiful son, reminded her of the wasted times together.
Ghost Elliot didn’t ask many questions about his mother, though Space Elliot had a lot of them! He wanted to know what happened to her, what was she doing? Erik read Space Elliot’s question in his eyes and said he didn’t know what she was doing, she did remarry and had another kid. A girl this time. One she won’t fuck up this time, she said. Erik looked sad and felt his own weight crumble on the old and dusty sofa that used to be glorious just like him.
“Did we fuck you up, Elliot?” Erik asked to Ghost Elliot.
Space Elliot stared up, at Ghost Elliot who was following him everywhere, his face was tight and closed, almost emotionless.
“Maybe they did, I’m not sure.” Ghost Elliot whispered in the wind.
According to the situation, Space Elliot had a feeling he shouldn’t share what Ghost Elliot had just said, or he’d crush the heart of his benefactor, and he didn’t wish for that to happen.
“There wasn’t a handbook on how to handle kids when you got ’em, and even if there were, I was probably too proud. I didn’t even want to have kids, it just happened, and it was great having a little you running around and looking up to you, but then they start to be their own person and suddenly, you think that what would have been good for you would have been good for them. But it’s not like that, Elliot, I didn’t know what was really best for him, I thought I did a — and I was wrong. He wasn’t like me, he was better than me.”
Even in the abandoned house, Space Elliot could see the sun setting over them and the moon peeking through the darkening sky. It wasn’t raining but it was very humid inside the house and the heart of Erik. The sense of guilt that bubbled up on his insides like moss on the wall never stopped growing through the years.
“Elliot, bring him to Fred, I’ll guide you.”
Space Elliot reached his hand towards Erik, to lift him up from the wallowing sofa and pile of sadness he had become.
“Let’s go on a trip, Erik.” Space Elliot then suggested.
So they took a bus. Neither of them had taken a bus before. Even Erik, when he was younger, only drove to places. But money was now an issue and it felt like an adventure for Erik and Elliots. Actually, Ghost Elliot never commented on his father’s regrets, he only narrated him how many times he had taken this bus from home to see Fred. Fred was his special one ever since the day they met, the only one for him.
Erik didn’t understand Fred, didn’t like Fred much, felt like Fred was too soft for this world. He never asked his son about things like this, he just presumed from what he’d seen and heard. However, when Space Elliot recounted his son’s stories, he couldn’t help but smile at it. Because it was wonderful memories Erik never had the chance to hear or witness.
He felt like catching up on everything he had missed out.
The road was long, but Space Elliot was too excited to sleep, he loved the high, green pine trees, he loved its smell and its spikey ends. Erik ended up falling asleep after one hour of bus. Elliot was marveled by this world that had so much to offer. At night, the stars were glistening and called for him but Elliot would never go back there, the stars were lonely species, it was just immense and empty. He loved to see it every night from where he was standing than to be amongst those solitary stars.
They ate apple pie on a roadhouse before getting back to another bus to another round-the-clock trip. Erik didn’t trust any trucker to get a ride from them, so they were stuck to endless change of buses.
After what felt like forever and probably one week of travel, and tasted every apple pie from every roadhouse they went, Erik and Elliot arrived atFred’s house. It was a pretty house next to the sea. Elliot and Fred dreamt of that house since forever and still had a mortgage to pay back, Ghost Elliot didn’t know how things went after he died, perhaps, his life insurance helped to pay some things but loss of a beloved one could never be compensated by money.
Erik stood in the street, in front of the beach house for a few minutes, Elliot didn’t hurry him, he patiently waited behind him to take a step ahead and forward. Elliot watched his father having doubts and regrets more than ever. His feet wouldn’t move but the sun was scorching their skin at the moment, he had to make a choice quite quickly if he didn’t want to melt or burn from the hot star.
Since Erik remained still, Space Elliot decided to walk ahead and knock gently on the door, then forgot that they had to ring the bell instead. If he could disintegrate right here and right now, that was what Ghost Elliot would have done, the sight of his beloved he hadn’t seen in so many years shook him up. He missed him from the moon and back. He was weirdly relieved to see that Fred was doing visibly okay, sad but healthy.
“Erik?” Fred asked as his eyes moved past Elliot. “What are you doing here? Oh, my apologies. Hi. Please come in.” Fred said instantly, inviting them both without asking Elliot’s name or waiting for Erik’s answer.
They both stepped inside the house, there was still a picture of Elliot and Fred on the wall of the lobby. Erik smiled at this, his son wasn’t forgotten and replaced yet. Ghost Elliot couldn’t be seen or felt by Fred or Erik, but he felt love overpouring his heart as the picture still stood where they framed and placed it there.
Fred smiled softly and shook his head when Erik apologized for dropping by unexpected, dismissing his apology. It’s okay, I don’t mind, Fred answered and then offered them a seat, a glass of orange juice and a piece of chocolate cake that Space Elliot almost swallowed. He was hungry, he said while laughing.
“How are you doing?” Erik asked shyly. He wasn’t sure what he should be asking, he thought he would start by the basics, with small talk.
“I learn to live without Elliot.”
It felt like forever since the last time that Erik heard Fred pronuncing Elliot’s name, he felt weird, like being punched and brought back into a reality he tried so hard to drown out.
“But you can’t move on, can you?” Fred added. Erik shook his head. “Eileen told me.”
“She’s better off without me.”
Fred frowned his eyebrows.
“It’s not your fault.”
Fred’s words echoed Elliot’s and Erik couldn’t help but glance at Elliot.
“This is what we told him!” Elliot chimed in.
For the first time, Fred acknowledged Elliot. He was so focused on Erik that he forgot his manners.
“Hey, my name is Fred. Did you know Elliot?”
“I didn’t, I was named after him though. I’m Elliot from space!” He introduced himself and reach a friendly hand.
The chirpy voice made Fred laugh heartily and reached his own hand to shake Elliot’s.
“I found him in the streets.” Erik said.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here. Nice to meet you Elliot from Space. How’s things out there?”
“Awfully lonely,” Elliot says. “That’s why I came here. Elliot, he wanted to come here, to tell you he loves you and he misses you a lot.”
The gentleness on Fred’s face started to fade and was replaced by a pain that came from the core of Fred’s heart. The two Elliots almost regretted coming here to remind him that Elliot wasn’t here anymore.
“I miss him too… I’ll never forget him.”
“He listens to you, right now.” Space Elliot tells him. “Anything you gotta tell him, he’ll hear.”
The night fell very late in this city. Fred set out some chairs in his backyard, facing the large ocean. Elliot, Erik and Fred enjoyed the slow sunset, the salty smell of the sea, the raw sound of the waves while talking about everything.
Space Elliot was very moved, he might have cried as much as the others. He never cried before. He understood what Erik felt when his son forgave him.
They all looked up at the stars before Ghost Elliot started to disappear into the sky. His soul was starting to wear off into the chilly air.
They bid him good bye, all together.
