CATCH-22
Rin felt his chest burning from hurt and he loathed that feeling.
Rin felt his chest burning from hurt and he loathed that feeling.
He was a powerful demon, a glorious offspring of Hell’s infernal insides. He should not feel the burn and pain as discomfort because they were his identity and his fuel. Yet, inside him, he started to feel something else that was foreign, unknown and despicable. It started not too long ago, a few weeks after Théa charged Rin to take care of Aki who tended to get into fights and left beaten up in one of the Earth’s shady streets. He wouldn’t like to admit it, but it hurt him to see him that way.
Usually, Demons didn’t fight in Hell, and Angels didn’t fight in Heaven, they’d rather gather on Earth, their favorite playground. It was the only place where disobedience and violence were permitted: no law, no kings or queens or any powerful, superior beings could interrupt their childish battles.
Angels and demons’ rivalries were so strong it cascaded on Earth all the time. Angels were soldiers, demons were chaos. Every single time they fought, they left Earth in a pure mess of mass destruction. Aki was in part responsible of it, an abomination created by both angels and demons; and it made him an easy target for them to bully. His parents were considered weaklings, unable to resist their desires for the enemy. Aki preferred walking the Earth where he felt safer amongst humans than in Heaven or Hell. Yet, he suffered there, was harassed, assaulted and outnumbered but when they were done inflicting pain to him, Aki was always found by Rin. The latter offered him a place to stay in Hell, away from the fights, but he politely declined. Rin started to think that he allowed himself to be a target of his own volition so he could purposely fight with them. Oddly enough, Aki had this peculiar softness in his eyes that would make everyone believe that he was a pacifist and hated war, but he brought war on himself. He was the worst of Gods’ creations, and his desire to make trouble was sometimes stronger than anything else.
Aki most likely had a death wish, driving Rin insane every single time he found him bathing in his own blood, faintly smirking at him. Rin would never admit that the anger and hatred that overwhelmed him this time was ragingly indefinable. Even worse: it was unspeakable. His flesh was burning up, knots were tied from his throat to his stomach. Even before he could assess the scene, he noticed the hydrangeas birthing out of A.’s blood. It’s supposed to be pale, pristine, and noble, instead it soaked in vivid red. Soon, the pool of A.’s blood became a bouquet of red hydrangeas, sitting on the floor as if someone delicately placed them there. No one knew it actually came from abomination, from loathing, despair and violence. Rin felt his jaw tightening at the thought.
Rin never felt much for anyone nor anything but the petals that fell off A.’s wounds made him ache. Demons had no heart, just void they’d fill with more chaos. Rin started to think that Aki humanized him and it messed him up to no ends. He didn’t want to become someone other than the fearless demon that he was. He could leave Aki in his blood and ditch his mission and Théa, but a part of him couldn’t let go of Aki, so he just helped him to stand up and they disappeared together, leaving the trail of bloody flowers behind them.
Rin would always bring Aki back home, in Hell. He had a relatively nice place down there, in a bunker beneath the forbidden library of Hell, away from people’s prying eyes and where no one would bother them. Rin had books stacked all over the place, but he rarely brought anyone home except Aki.
Aki bled on some books while sitting on a pile of unread ones, Rin would get mad usually, but today, he wasn’t. He just cared, and worried, and the only thing he was mad at, right now, was himself, and perhaps, demons, angels, and all those factions the Creator created for selfish reasons. He understood humane folly and anger, he, as a demon, fed on their hatred and pain, but he could feel it vibrate against his demonic bones at the second he saw Aki, destroyed by his brethren’s violence.
It wasn’t the first time, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last time.
“Why do you have to do this to yourself?” he would ask, and Aki would laugh it off.
Rin stopped asking after a while.
Perhaps he was just born to be a witness, like the deity Théa. She was the one who introduced Aki to him, ordering him to take care of him until the end. Rin wasn’t sure when was the end when they were supposedly eternal.
Since he couldn’t protect Aki during fights, Rin waited for Aki to rest and heal peacefully amongst his books before heading out of his sacred bunker to search for those angels who liked to bleed him out. — Demons would rather punch him endlessly, there was such a demonic thrill in using their fists against an abomination like Aki. —
Once, Théa told Rin that Aki was no abomination, he actually was the most precious and gracious creation in the universe. He held infinite power that would terrify Heaven to Hell. Rin had never seen Aki’s power, and Aki himself perhaps knew nothing about it because he lazily responded to punches or insults, turning the other cheek as much as he could.
To be honest, Rin couldn’t care less about the no-fight strict rule in Heaven or Hell. As long as Rin got his revenge, he’d break Heaven if he needed to. He had always hated angels and their pretentious wings, their smug faces, their insidious methods for violence when they were supposed to be messengers, soldiers and protectors. They did cruel things for the sake of humanity, but Rin knew it was all lies. They didn’t protect Aki who was one of theirs. The original Creator wasn’t here to tell the Deities not to persecute Aki, not wanting to meddle in petty affairs. He could create but never control, everyone grew their own minds. Demons and angels alike followed whoever they wanted since the Creator just disappeared on them, leaving everyone to live, fight and die on their own.
Rin served Théa, Deity of Slumber. As every Night Deity, she had a large demonic worship, but she was so versatile that she also had a few angels under her thumb. Only Rin was tasked to protect Aki, so he thought that it was his duty to get revenge and slaughter those celestial beings. He had a special pass to heaven, given by Théa, where he followed the divine smell of hydrangeas on the hands of the perpetrators. He didn’t think much when he stabbed them and let them soak in their own heavenly blood.
Demons, angels, or humans…. they all die and bleed the same: profusely and painfully. The only thing that angels and demons never did was begging for mercy. They were all so proud and full of themselves, they’d never asked Rin for mercy. And he wouldn’t give it to them. They didn’t deserve it.
Rin came back home all bloody, but there were no flowers that bloomed from the soiled angelic blood. Only Deities bled flowers, Aki was the first non-Deity to bleed like them, the only one who shared Angel and Demon blood.
“Did you kill them?” Aki asked sleepily as soon as Rin walked past him, he could guess Rin’s activity from the strong odor of metal that hit his nose. He was still lying down on the sofa, one eye closed while the other, a cheeky one, opened on him.
“Not doing it for you,” Rin said in a low, almost quiet voice.
“Yeah, sure. You’re a demon after all, you like slicing up some angelic folks for fun.”
“…killing two birds with one stone, I guess.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Aki repeated, exasperated by Rin’s lack of sincerity. “It’d kill you to admit it after all.”
At first, Rin didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to admit anything but words were stronger than his will.
“It’s just my job.” To protect you, Rin almost said, but didn’t. Either way, Aki heard it.
“I told you already. I don’t need your fucking protection. I’m a freaking demon slash angel, I don’t break easy. The day it comes, then I’ll rise again and again.”
“What do you know? They could’ve killed you. You were so close to it last night. Don’t you dare lying to me, A. I know that you’re pushing your limits until you can’t anymore… and if it happ — “ Rin whispered between his cracked lips, he might have been hurt when an angel attempted to throw a fist at his face and succeeded.
“Why do you care? You said it’s just a job. I didn’t ask for it.”
Rin never told Aki that Théa was the one who appointed him, she wasn’t very specific on the orders. In reality, Rin didn’t have to do all those things that he did for Aki, but he did.
“Théa already knows you’re as loyal as a dog,” he said, struggling to stand up on his own two feet, pressing his arm over the deep cuts on his chest. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, or to anyone, for that matter. If I wanna get hurt, just let me, okay?” Aki breathed those last words with lips slightly quivering, suddenly aware of what his words sounded like.
Automatically, Rin stepped towards him to help him up but Aki shoved him away with his free hand.
“Fucking don’t. I just needed you around you know, but not as my personal avenger, but as a friend and a companion. This, whatever it is, is insane.” Aki pointed at the blood on Rin’s face.
Aki knocked over a few books that crashed at his feet as he was making his way towards the exit of this cocoon. He was still bleeding all over the floor, with petals and pieces of hydrangeas.
It was the only pieces that Aki left after his angry departure, slamming the door as forcefully as Rin hit those angels. How was he supposed to protect someone who didn’t want protection? Who was he to him if he wasn’t his protector? They were friends but they were so intrinsically linked to violence that he wasn’t sure they could build a friendship on that. Why did Aki enjoy pain so much when he could be the one inflicting it? The demonic side of him should find delight in inflicting pain, but Aki was just… different? He was almost human.
A few days later, Théa came to Rin on a deep night. Rin was walking the Earth, just out of habit, unconsciously looking for faint signs of hydrangeas. She emerged from the shadows, as if she rose from the small spots of darkness. She always looked both sumptuous and ominous, her eyes twinkling devilishly. She might be from the night, but she had something that attracted both demons and angels to her. In fact, Rin suspected that Aki’s genitors were both worshippers of Théa, but he never really asked.
“He told you?” Rin matter-of-factly asked Théa who just smiled at him. She was probably amused, she often was. Yet, she revealed once that she wasn’t always like this but she had to become lighter than time and airier than people. At first, he didn’t understand what she meant but after some time, he started to grasp her entity.
“He did.”
Théa never reprimanded him for doing more than was tasked him to do, or for killing around. She seemed like she didn’t care. Or she trusted Rin’s loyalty.
“What did he say?”
“He wants you to stop.” Théa didn’t tell him the truth: he begged me to make you stop before you could get hurt, or worse. He was actually more human than humans themselves.
“He said that avenging him was insane. Why doesn’t he want the beating to stop? It feels like he’s punishing himself for being who he is. He… he sounds so human sometimes. I hate it, to witness and to be so fucking helpless.”
“Rin.” Théa shut him up, her voice low and commanding. “You can’t save him, and you can’t hide him away from the fights.”
“So what should I do? Didn’t you ask me to watch over him?”
“He’s gonna go rogue if you suffocate him too much. Just be by his side when he needs you, you can’t control things, but you can just be there and quietly watch over him.” She said, her motivations were always so mysterious and it wasn’t Rin’s place to question those, but he felt like there was something Théa didn’t tell him on purpose.
When she disappeared, leaving her mystery behind to envelop Rin’s confusion, it took a while before he could keep on walking, wandering aimlessly (that was a lie, he was looking for Aki again.)
Without a single word, Rin found Aki again at the corner of a dark, quiet street. The moon high in the sky shone on Aki who was not hurt, not bloody, not riled up, not anything. Aki was emotionless but pain-free, like angels. Instead of scrutinizing each other for another fit of rage, they just looked down at their feet and started to walk next to each other as they’ve never had. They walked incredibly close to each other, they didn’t know why and they probably didn’t notice it, it just felt right, to have each other in their comfort zone.
Aki never asked for an avenger, just for someone to accompany him on this lonely journey as an abomination, someone who would help him heal from the wounds and the scars. He just needed someone who understood that he needed the pain and the healing. It might hurt the pride of the glorious Rin, but he had to get over it if he wanted to keep walking besides him.
All of those things, Aki would never say it straightforwardly.
Rin just understood it in the way Aki told him to let him get hurt, the way he would let him come back and stay with him as if nothing had happened.
They were probably naive. Aki remained an abomination and loneliness was probably one of his many curses.
Because, a bit later, when the sun was starting to rise on their side of the Earth, they were cornered by a gang of demons and angels. They’ve never teamed up for anything before but perhaps Rin had angered angels and destroyed demons enough for them to chase Rin down. They had to make him pay for the murders he had committed on their territory.
There was no pride anymore when the two of them were pushed against each other by a dozen of angels and another dozen of demons. It felt like an army was sent on them. Rin and Aki forgot all about their pride and their self-loathing. Aki didn’t want Rin to die because of him, and Rin could not fight his instincts of fighting back, no matter what he promised. So their first promises of letting things go, of getting themselves hurt, of healing together… none of this would matter anymore if they died right here and right now. Aki thought it was ironic that when they thought they could survive it all, they were being assaulted by a bunch of monsters just like them. Their recklessness brought it on themselves after all.
Rin punched with all of his might, attempting to knock down his assailants but to no avail, his arms were being held by angels, his feet were forcefully pinned down to the ground by strong demons. He then got dragged down by his wings, angels tearing his feathers apart while demons were working on carving up memorable insults on his skin. He didn’t focus much on Aki who was probably being bled out from the overpouring smell of hydrangeas. Rin had had a hard time remaining conscious, both drunk on the smell and unable to handle the pain. Soon enough, Rin felt punches that might have broken all of his bones, he struggled at first when he felt numb enough to ignore the pain, he managed to kick some of them while he was being ripped apart from skin to bones.
Aki was forced to watch Rin being taken down while angels were re-opening the same wounds than from a few days earlier. Hydrangeas flowers blossomed from his blood around him. He couldn’t move, unable to stop staring at the others tearing Rin apart. Pure wrath built up in his throat, flowed in his blood and
suddenly, the flowers exploded all around him and pieces of bloody flesh replaced demons and angels…
except for Aki who was probably the only thing that was quite whole and alive.
“What a mess.” Théa says, appearing as soon as the sun kissed the day good night. Aki and Rin were being beaten, ripped, sliced and broken for a whole freaking day. They knew Théa would never appear during the day.
Aki’s vision was fuzzy and his brain foggy, he couldn’t see behind the blood that was dripping from his face, he might have some demonic flesh or angelic hair stuck on his twitching eyelid. He breathed loudly which soon became erratic sobs at the sight of Rin’s body. Aki could see the crushed bones sticking out of his eviscerated flesh. Rin always had this fire in him that made him such a demon, but now, with his featherless wings, his slashed face, his bloody body, his broken bones… he lost all of the infernal fire he used to have.
“No… Is Rin… Is he…?” Aki asked Théa, although he didn’t look at her, he could feel her behind him.
“Yeah,” Théa said flatly, looking around her and watching where she was walking, as if she was going to smear her brand new shoes with dirty mud.
“Can you bring him back? Please… It’s my fault, I…”
Aki was looking down on Rin’s inert body, he looked like chaos. There’s no spot on his body that had not been injured by the angry angels and the destructive demons.
“I can’t,” Théa admitted.
“You can’t or you won’t? You’re the one who threw him under the bus.”
“Do you understand now?”
“What kind of lesson are you trying to teach here?! Rin is…” Aki said angrily.
“When you do something to yourself, it doesn’t affect just you, but others also. He had to watch you get hurt so many times the same way you just did. You didn’t think of him when you got hurt. Just of yourself.”
Théa was right, he was being selfish, bringing Rin into his madness. Rin might’ve been a demon, he was still a rare, pure and empathic demon. Aki knew he had this deadly self-destructive wish, he didn’t think things through. He was naive for thinking that Rin could survive those fights. He thought that Rin was strong enough for this, but in the end, even if Rin was there for him when he asked, he got destroyed.
“Théa, bring him back.” Aki pleaded.
“Come on, you gotta let him go. He belongs to Hell, he has no business walking the Earth with you.”
“Yet you introduced him to me!” Aki wasn’t sure why Rin got into his life, was it Théa’s doing? or his own? He didn’t know anymore… His thoughts entangled his fogged mind.
“So he could bring you back Home. But…”
“I have no home, Théa.” Aki never stopped walking, never stopped anywhere that felt like Home. Earth was the only place where he could feel like Home, the fights were his only constant.
“I gave you one, A. You refused.”
“I don’t belong anywhere.”
“You don’t have to belong anywhere, you can make a place for yourself, you know.”
“Just piece him back together!” he screamed
She just shook her head, out of pity or just to emphasize her “inability” to resurrect Rin. He was his worshipper, one of the most loyal one, Aki knew that Théa could bring him but she purposely refused to make him angry.
“I’ll…” Aki resigned himself as he crawled towards Rin’s almost disembodied body. “Okay. I’ll just go to that place you call Home, j-just bring him back.”
“It’s too late, now.” she said. “But if I bring him back, he will forget all about you, you’ll have to sever your ties with him, and you’ll let him live in peace.”
“I just wanted a friend, Théa, you… could, at least, give me that…” he breathed out onto Rin’s hair, he didn’t want a protector, just someone he could adore and stay with during his darkest, most fucked up moments.
“I could but he’ll die being your friend.” Théa said, as if there was only solution, their friendship had to stop or Rin would die trying. He really thought he had found the perfect companion but Aki was revealed to be toxic to his entourage, he couldn’t take care properly of his one and only friend… he felt so empty.
“It’s lonely here.”
“Then show me your potential, your true potential.”
Théa smiled, smelling the force and feeling the strength of Aki’s power.
All she ever wanted was this infinite power she was looking for in Aki. She didn’t care about his loneliness or his pain. She needed him in control, she needed him in this Catch-22 to manipulate him into becoming the most powerful abomination in the universe.
So she would bring Rin back as much as Aki wanted, as long as he was enabling his powers to flow out.
“Okay…” Aki said, his forehead rubbing against Rin’s. “Whatever you want, Théa.”
